Investing With Archer
by Red Witch
Summary: Archer has never been good with money.


**Archer spent all the money that was going to be invested in telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Not even this idea is entirely mine. Star Saber 21 gave me the idea and some dialog.**

 **Investing With Archer **

"I can't believe you wasted money on **this!"** Mallory shouted at Cyril. The gang was in the bullpen of the Figgis Agency having another meeting.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Cyril sighed. "We needed advertising."

"You put an ad in a **high school yearbook**?" Mallory snapped.

"Parents read yearbooks," Cyril suggested weakly.

"Yes! About their **own children**!" Mallory snapped. "Everything else is garbage to them!"

"Look the young woman that called me was looking for sponsors for their yearbook," Cyril protested. "She and her teacher seemed nice and what the hell? I figured it was worth two hundred bucks to…"

" **Two hundred dollars**?" Mallory shouted.

"They also sold me some band candy," Cyril admitted.

"I thought I smelled chocolate in your office," Pam narrowed her eyes.

"We got a copy," Cyril said as he opened the yearbook. "See? There's a picture of Furlock Bones. Congrats graduating class blah, blah, blah…From your friends at the Figgis Agency."

"How much you want to bet at least half of those yearbook pictures are going to have a wang drawn on Furlock Bones?" Pam groaned.

"I'd say that's a safe bet," Ray nodded.

"At least it was for charity," Cyril shrugged.

"Charity begins **at home**!" Mallory snapped. "And we won't **have** one much longer as long as you keep making stupid ideas that do nothing but waste my money!"

"Mallory," Cyril glared at her. "Not even all my bad ideas in my **entire lifetime** can compare to **a single one** of the extremely stupid, extremely wasteful spending your son made. Archer is like a poster child of how not to spend agency money."

"He does have a point, Mallory," Lana admitted. "Two hundred dollars is literally a drop in the bucket compared to some of the huge expenses Archer's racked up."

"Oh please!" Mallory snapped. "Name **one time** Sterling used agency funds for something completely stupid!"

"I can name **several times**!" Cyril snapped. "Would you like to hear the top ten? Starting with the lemur!"

"Okay I have admitted **several times** that lemur was an extremely stupid purchase even for Sterling!" Mallory snapped. "And I was **against it** from the beginning. Doesn't count!"

"Fine. We won't count the lemur. I have plenty left to choose from," Cyril said. "Like his car."

"Which one?" Mallory blinked.

"The Corvette?" Cyril asked. "That **never worked!"**

"Okay **that** was bad," Mallory winced. "You get nine more."

"That time when Archer bought what he thought was a crate of expensive Glengoolie Crystal Blue online," Cyril went on. "But it turned out to be the French version of Kool-Aid! Which gave half the office diarrhea!"

"Yeah that was way too much dump time even for me," Pam admitted.

"My colon was never the same after that," Ray winced.

"Mine too," Krieger winced.

"Ewww…" Mallory winced. "Now you have eight."

"Number Seven," Cyril went on. "The Ass Cake Incident."

"Oh dear God, I'd forgotten about that," Mallory winced.

"That one was bad," Lana winced.

"You **think?"** Cyril snapped. "Not to mention disturbing."

"On so many levels," Ray groaned.

FLASHBACK!

Back to the glory days of a certain spy office, before it was shut down for the first time. Archer was casually swaggering into the bullpen to see a meeting going on. "Morning idiots!"

"It's two in the afternoon," Lana glared at him. Cyril, Cheryl, Krieger and several other agents were in the bullpen as well.

"Eh, must still be on Hong Kong Time," Archer shrugged as he took a drink from a flask filled with scotch.

"For the past five months?" Krieger asked.

"Oh good," Mallory walked in. "Sleeping Asshole has finally awoken from his slumber."

"Ha, ha Mother," Archer waved. "Very funny."

"And surprisingly appropriate," Cyril rolled his eyes.

"You're not wrong this time," Mallory glared at her son.

"Why do you always side with Cyril?" Archer snapped.

"I almost **never** side with Cyril!" Mallory snapped. "Unless of course he supports my point."

"The only point Cyril has is in his head," Archer scoffed.

"Which is more than what **you have!"** Mallory snapped. "I want you to explain yourself!"

"I'm a complicated person," Archer shrugged.

"I want to know what the meaning of…" She pointed to a box on a table. " **This** is!"

"I believe it's called a box," Archer quipped. "It's a container used to ship things."

"Not **literally** you ass!" Mallory snarled. "Lana show him!"

"Noooooope," Lana shook her head. "I am not touching **that**."

"Lana!" Mallory began.

"This idiot is going to think that's a come on of some kind," Lana snapped. "You show him!"

"I am not touching that…" Mallory cringed at the sight of the box. "Thing."

" **I'll** show him," Krieger picked up the box and showed Archer. "This was delivered to our office this morning."

Archer did a double take as he looked at the box. "Krieger I'm flattered but you're not my type. Now if Lana or any woman gave me this…"

"Told you," Lana groaned. "Archer you ordered this!"

"I ordered an **ass cake**?" Archer shouted. Indeed, it was an erotic cake in the shape of a prominent posterior. "And why is it a guy's ass?"

"How can you tell?" Cyril asked.

"Because it's clearly not as rounded as a female's ass!" Archer snapped.

"He's right," Krieger did a double take. "It's a guy's ass."

"A very detailed guy's ass," Cheryl agreed. "What's the name of the bakery by the way?"

"There's no way in Hell I ordered an ass cake!" Archer snapped. "That's more Ray's department. Right Ray?" He laughed at a blond man sitting nearby.

"I'm not Ray," The man glared at him. "I'm Dan!"

"Huh?" Archer blinked.

"Dan Gilcrest?" Dan snapped. "I've been an agent here for years! We graduated spy training together! We were on the Oslo mission last month! And the other one with the forged paintings."

"Uh doesn't ring a bell," Archer blinked.

"I had a birthday **last week?"** Dan snapped. "There was an office party. You drank and passed out in the punch bowl?"

"Uhhh…" Archer blinked.

"Typical," Dan grumbled. "Lana, **you** remember my birthday!"

"Honestly I…" Lana shrugged.

"I was wondering who you were," Krieger blinked.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" Dan shouted. "What you think your crazy little clique are the only people who work here?"

"If you can call it work," Mallory sighed. "Moving on, Sterling why the hell did you order…?"

"I didn't order an erotic cake," Archer interrupted.

"Let me finish," Mallory rolled her eyes. "You ordered **two hundred** ass cakes."

"So technically you didn't order one erotic cake," Cheryl spoke up.

"What?" Archer blinked.

"Have you suddenly gone **deaf**?" Mallory snapped. "You ordered 200 hundred ass cakes of all sizes, flavors and colors."

"An ass over here," Cheryl added. "An ass over there."

"Here an ass," Krieger added. "There an ass…"

"And the biggest one is **right here**!" Cyril pointed to Archer.

"Why would I order two hundred ass cakes?" Archer shouted.

"YOU TELL ME!" Mallory snapped.

"Again, if it was Ray over here I would see it," Archer pointed to another blond man with a mustache. "That's his ultimate fantasy. Am I right?"

"I'm not Gillette!" The other blond man snapped. "He's not even in this room! I'm Agent Norman Driscoll! And I'm straight!"

"Who?" Archer blinked.

"I joined the agency last year?" Norman snapped. "Along with Agents Tak and Hartford?"

"Uhh…" Archer blinked.

"I married Patty from Accounting! You guys were at my wedding two months ago where you made out with my wife's sister in the coat room!" Norman snapped. "Krieger got drunk. Lana got into a fight with one of the bridesmaids over the bouquet and Ms. Archer here clocked my father because he wouldn't put out! You don't remember that?"

"Uhhhh…." Archer, Lana, Krieger and Mallory paused.

"You self-centered assholes think you're the only ones who work here don't you?" Dan snapped.

"They keep this up and they will be the only ones who work here," Norman grumbled.

"Can we please get back to the cake?" Cyril sighed. "Archer why did you order all these ass cakes?"

"How do you know it was me?" Archer snapped.

"Because I got the bill for it this morning and your name was on it placing the order!" Mallory snapped. "It turns out you used the company credit card to pay for it!"

"Why would I do that?" Archer snapped.

"That's what I asked," Mallory glared at him. "I even went down to the bakery this morning to investigate. Turns out they also found the whole thing rather strange so they recorded the conversation."

She turned on a tape recorder _. "I'm sorry Sir," A woman's voice was heard. "Can you repeat that?"_

" _I want…" Archer's slurred voice was heard. "I want a hundred of your best chocolate ass cakes. No wait that's racist. I want ass cakes of all colors, flavors, sizes and genders. Mulato butts…Mulato butts…Black on white butts…You get the picture."_

"That's not me," Archer said with a straight face.

" _On second thought," Archer hiccupped on tape. "Make that two hundred. Yeah. Two hundred ass cakes. Half guys. Half girls. Make everybody happy! Phrasing!"_

"That's not me," Archer protested.

" _Two hundred ass cakes of various sizes and shapes and flavors?" The woman on the tape asked._

" _Yes! It's for Sterling Archer, world's greatest spy. Which is me."_

" _You really shouldn't be telling people that sir," The woman sighed._

"You were saying?" Lana gave him a look.

"Come on! That's not me!" Archer protested.

" _I've got my mother's credit card," Archer slurred again. "Mallory Archer. That's my mother. That's my bitch of a mother. What a bitch-a-roonie!"_

"The evidence continues to mount," Mallory growled.

"Still not me," Archer shrugged. "Who says bitch-a-roonie? Not me!"

" _DANGER ZONE!"_

"Oh…" Archer winced. "Okay there is a possibility I might have gotten drunk and ordered too many cakes."

"Really Sherlock Shitfaced?" Mallory snapped. "Why would you order an ass cake in the first place? Let alone **two hundred** of them?"

Archer paused. "I must have had a plan," Archer blinked. "I must have…Wait is Ray's birthday coming up?"

"That was two weeks ago!" Lana snapped.

"Oh," Archer blinked. "Maybe I was trying to prepare for the next one?"

"We'd better prepare to eat a lot of ass cake," Krieger groaned.

"At seventy-five dollars a cake," Cyril told him. "That's fifteen grand. Not counting the tax."

"Expensive ass cake," Krieger nodded.

Ray walked into the room. "Okay the last of the cakes are moved into the vault. But y'all don't want to go in there."

"Why?" Krieger asked.

"Trust me, you **don't** ," Ray sighed.

"Why not?" Mallory snapped.

"Just don't go in there right now," Ray sighed.

Of course, everyone else ran to the vault to see what was going on. "They never listen," Ray sighed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Collective screaming was heard. "MY EYES!"

"PAM!" Mallory screamed.

"WHAT?" Pam shouted, but her voice was muffled from the cake in her mouth.

"HALF EATEN ASSES EVERYWHERE! MY EYES!" Archer screamed.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," Lana winced.

"I told them," Ray shook his head. "But would they listen? Nooope!"

FLASHFORWARD!

"How could you forget a sight like that?" Cyril asked.

"I drank a lot of absinthe," Mallory groaned. "But even that couldn't destroy **that image** ingrained into my brain cells!"

"Good cake though," Pam nodded.

"Yeah, I tracked down that bakery," Ray nodded. "They did have good cake."

"I admit," Mallory groaned. "That was an extremely stupid purchase even for Sterling. Continue, Cyril."

"Number Six," Cyril went on. "The boat."

"Oh God I forgot about the boat," Pam laughed. "That was really stupid!"

"What boat?" Mallory asked.

"It was during our entire Cocaine/Country Music Phase," Pam explained. "Archer bought this boat because he thought we were going to use it to smuggle drugs but we never used it."

"I don't remember that," Mallory remarked.

"Neither do I," Lana said.

"That's because the rest of us decided not to tell you," Ray explained. "And by decided, I mean we chose not to say anything because Archer told us if we did he would shoot us."

"Where did he get the money for a **boat?"** Mallory snapped.

"Remember how Ron broke up with you during that time?" Pam asked.

"It was more like a minor separation," Mallory sniffed. "But yes, I recall that time."

"Remember how some of those furs of yours got lost in the mail?" Pam asked. "They didn't."

"Are you telling me…?" Mallory gasped.

"Archer stole your furs, sold them and bought a boat yes!" Cyril groaned. "But that's not the worst part."

"What was the worst part?" Mallory asked.

"Well…" Cyril began.

FLASHBACK!

A harbor where a large beautiful sailboat with the name Ji's Delight was in the harbor. It looked expensive and it had everything.

Even an alligator below deck.

"RARRRRRR!" The alligator roared.

"WHY IS THERE A FREAKING ALLIGATOR IN HERE?" Cyril screamed as he looked down.

"He came with the boat," Archer shrugged. He was there with Cyril and Pam. Pam of course had gotten thin from her cocaine diet.

"WHY WOULD YOU BUY A BOAT WITH AN ALLIGATOR IN IT?" Cyril shouted.

"Why wouldn't I?" Archer asked.

"Because you're freaking scared of alligators!" Pam snapped. "That's like your number one fear or something!"

"Yeah well Elvis grew on me," Archer shrugged as the alligator growled. "Besides he doesn't really go up the stairs or anything so…"

"So that's why I smell alligator shit," Pam groaned.

"Relax," Archer waved. "I figure nobody is going to steal a boat guarded by a freaking alligator!"

FLASHFORWARD!

"To be fair, nobody did," Pam sighed. "Unfortunately, nobody wanted to **buy** a boat with an alligator in it. Not for lack of trying."

FLASHBACK!

"AAAAHHH!" A man screamed as he was being eaten to death by Elvis the alligator.

" **I told** you he was territorial!" Archer shouted. "Again! He comes with the boat! But since he just chomped off your legs I'll shave off fifty bucks."

"AAAAH!"

"Okay make it a hundred," Archer shrugged. "I mean that's more than fair, right? Right? Uh oh…Never mind."

"Well at least you don't have to worry about feeding Elvis for a while," Pam said as she ate a bear claw. She was back to her true weight.

Archer glared at her. "Inappropes Pam. Inappropes."

FLASHFORWARD!

"After the alligator killed a guy Archer realized he might get in trouble with a few organizations," Pam sighed. "The cops, the ASPCA, the National Wildlife Federation, the NRA…"

"Wait," Lana spoke up. "Hang on. Why would the NRA get involved?"

"The guy turned out to be a card-carrying member," Pam shrugged. "Irony was that he wasn't packing a gun that time."

"Gotta admit," Krieger shrugged. "They have a point about always being armed. You never know when you will come face to face with an alligator."

"That guy who died certainly didn't," Pam said. "Any-Who Archer figured out he had to get rid of both Elvis, his boat and any evidence pretty fast. So…"

FLASHBACK!

KA-BOOOOOM!

The sailboat exploded and was set on fire. Archer and Pam were on the docks with some gasoline cans. Archer had tears in his eyes. Pam was casually eating a bear claw.

FLASHFORWARD!

"Is **that** why Archer was crying about Elvis for an entire day?" Ray asked. "I thought it was the anniversary of the King's death or something."

"Me too," Krieger nodded.

"Notice how something exploding or catching on fire is practically a running gag for us?" Lana sighed.

"I'm just glad the arson squad hasn't noticed," Ray groaned.

"Eighty-five grand up in smoke," Pam sighed. "Never even took the damn thing out onto the ocean."

"The whole two hundred bucks for an ad in a yearbook kind of pales in comparison, doesn't it?" Cyril asked smugly.

"It kind of does," Lana admitted.

"Gotta give it to him," Krieger nodded.

"I am going to kill Sterling," Mallory hissed.

"Well he's in a coma," Cheryl scoffed as she played with some glue. "Can't be that hard."

"What's Number Five on the list?" Mallory snapped. "Is it something else that I don't know about?"

"Actually, it is," Cyril said. "Keep in mind again we were forced to not tell you because Archer threatened us."

"What did he buy?" Mallory groaned. "And how did he get the money?"

"In reverse order," Cyril sighed. "He hacked into the company accounts and invested the money in a new restaurant."

"That doesn't sound so bad," Mallory asked.

"Wait for it," Lana sighed.

"A cereal bar restaurant," Cyril sighed.

"A what?" Mallory was confused.

"He bought a restaurant where you mix and match different cereals in your bowl and eat cereal," Cyril explained. "And they use different kinds of milk."

Mallory was stunned. "That's a **thing**?"

"In some places it is," Cyril admitted. "But not in the Italian section of Queens. Between two award winning bakeries on the same street."

"How much and did it end up getting set on fire?" Mallory groaned.

"A hundred and twenty-five grand and no," Cyril told her. "He just abandoned it. The bank foreclosed on it and I hear one of the bakeries took it over to expand their operation. But that's not the worst of it."

"What's the worst of it?" Mallory asked.

"He bought the restaurant from Trudy Beekman," Cyril finished. "Archer gave money to Trudy Beekman. Behind your back."

"Trudy…Beekman…" Mallory's eye twitched. "When was this **exactly?"**

"About a year before we were shut down the first time," Ray said.

"Still think me spending two hundred dollars is bad huh?" Cyril asked.

"Let's call it even right now," Mallory fought to keep calm. "Continue."

"Number Four: Cyril sighed. "The jacuzzi…"

"That one I **do** know about," Mallory groaned.

"Kind of hard not to," Cheryl remembered. "Considering where it was."

FLASHBACK!

"STERLING MALLORY ARCHER!" Mallory screamed.

"What?" Archer snapped. There was a huge jacuzzi in his office. And Archer was sitting naked in it, drinking champagne.

"WHY THE HELL DID YOU PUT A JACUZZI IN YOUR OFFICE?" Mallory snapped.

"I got the idea from Monte Carlo," Archer told her. "I think this will increase office productivity. A happy employee is a productive employee."

"How is you having hot tub increase office productivity?" Mallory snapped. "Are you going to let the others in here?"

"Oh God no," Archer scoffed. "I meant my happiness. Don't really care about other people. Unless they're hot chicks who will let me have sex with them. Or at the very least take off their tops."

"And how much did this little home improvement project cost?" Mallory snapped.

"Mother you can't put a price on employee happiness," Archer waved.

"Give it a try," Mallory folded her arms. "A rough estimate."

"I dunno," Archer shrugged. "A couple hundred thousand dollars…Give or take a few hundred. That's real redwood you know? And I filled the tub with Perrier so…"

"Am I correct in assuming you got this money from the agency?" Mallory snapped.

"Come on Mother," Archer snickered. "Look where it is!"

"Where's an electric toaster when you need one?" Mallory groaned.

A brown-haired woman in a green dress walked in. "Ms. Archer we found some strange discrepancies in the monthly accounts. Apparently, someone spent over three hundred grand for…"

She did a double take. "A jacuzzi…Oh."

"Yeah," Mallory grumbled. "Just got the memo Peggy."

"Patty," The woman corrected.

"Whatever," Mallory groaned.

"How about slipping out of that dress and into this hot tub?" Archer wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "What? Mother you suggested that I share with other employees!"

"Not your venereal diseases!" Mallory shouted.

"I'm married you asshole!" Patty shouted. "To Norm!"

"Who the hell is Norm?" Archer blinked. "You're not talking about the guy from Cheers, right?"

Patty shouted. "YOU WERE AT OUR WEDDING AND SLEPT WITH MY SISTER!"

"Are you sure?" Archer blinked. "Wait was she better looking than you?"

"AAAGGH!" Patty stormed out. "I'm filing a complaint with HR!"

"I believe I will file a complaint as well!" Mallory snapped. "And since I enjoy spending time with Pam as much as I enjoy having my teeth cleaned you can imagine how upset I am!"

"Like **that's** going to do any good," Archer snorted as he took a drink.

"It will **this time!"** Mallory snapped. "God damn it Sterling! This time I am putting my foot down!" She stomped her foot for emphasis.

SQUISH!

"Stomping should not sound like squishing, should it?" Mallory blinked.

"Not that I recall no," Archer blinked.

"What the…?" Mallory realized something. "The carpet is all wet!"

"What?" Archer asked.

"The carpet! It's wet and…" Mallory realized something. "Sterling that stupid hot tub is **leaking!** "

"Okay in the first place," Archer corrected. "This is a Hydroluxe 9000, the best jacuzzi known on the market. Hot Tub Monthly gave it ten stars out of ten. It doesn't just leak."

"Well this one is!" Mallory looked around. "Oh my God this carpet is **ruined!** "

"Ms. Archer!" Krieger ran in. "We have a problem! Storage Area B is leaking water through the ceiling!"

"Gee I wonder **why?** " Mallory snapped as she pointed to Archer's hot tub.

"Is that a Hydroluxe 9000?" Krieger asked.

"It most certainly is," Archer beamed.

"You do know that particular model was recalled for excessive leaking two years ago right?" Krieger asked.

"WHAT?" Mallory screamed.

"How do you know that?" Archer shouted.

"How do you **not?** " Krieger asked, confused.

"Are you telling me Sterling's Folly over here is causing water damage?" Mallory shouted.

"Only to a storage area," Archer waved. "What could be so important in there?"

"Sterling Storage Area B has some very important files!" Mallory snapped. "Contracts…MY FURS!"

"What?" Krieger asked.

"I took some of my furs out and put them in Storage Area B so I could get them whenever I wanted!" Mallory realized. "DAMN YOU STERLING!" She ran out of the room. "OUT OF MY WAY!"

"Boy are you in trouble," Krieger remarked.

"It's worse than you think," Archer winced. "I think this hot tub just gave me jock itch."

FLASHFORWARD!

"It did," Krieger nodded.

"Okay counting Archer's medical expenses," Cyril went on. "The cost of redoing Storage Area B, putting in new carpet, the loss of some of your furs…"

"I GET IT!" Mallory snapped.

"Just putting some perspective here," Cyril said. "Compared to any of Archer's schemes that two hundred dollars is chump change."

"It does seem rather minute compared to what Archer's spent," Krieger added.

"Which leads me to Number Three with a bullet," Cyril went on. "Gator McKay."

"Gator McKay?" Lana blinked "Wait wasn't that…?"

FLASHBACK!

"A RACEHORSE?" Mallory screamed in the bullpen of the spy agency. "YOU BOUGHT A DAMN RACEHORSE?"

"I know!" Archer was sitting on a brown horse in the bullpen. "Isn't he awesome?"

"How and why did you buy a **racehorse?** " Lana asked. Cyril, Pam, Krieger, Cheryl and Ray were there as well as a few other agents and drones at desks. Ray was in his wheelchair.

"And why did you bring it in **here**?" Ray asked.

"In reverse order," Archer held up his finger. "A, I wanted you to see it Ray. Because I'm pretty sure most barns aren't wheelchair accessible. Plus, I need to get a barn to put Gator McKay in by the end of the day. Does anyone know if there's a phone number I can call or…?"

"I have a horse farm where you can rent a stall," Cheryl said.

"Perfect," Archer nodded. "And is there like a taxi service I can…?"

"I'll make the call," Cheryl sighed. "Fees are two hundred and fifty a week."

"Not a problem," Archer grinned.

"Uh yes, **problem**!" Cyril snapped. "If you use agency funds!"

"Sterling!" Mallory snapped. "Tell me you didn't use my money to purchase this nag!"

"This is not a nag!" Archer snapped. "As the world's greatest spy, I am gifted with an amazing sense of observation. And that gift has allowed me to assess and evaluate this noble steed as a champion! Plus, he has a kick ass name!"

Everyone looked at each other in confusion. "Gator McKlusky?" Archer shouted. "From Gator? Burt Reynolds? Hello?"

"I thought you called him Gator McKay?" Cyril asked.

"Well obviously they couldn't do the full name for copyright reasons," Archer shrugged.

"Let me get this straight," Lana groaned. "You bought a racehorse because he had a similar name to a fictional character of your man crush?"

"No," Archer denied. "No. No. No!"

"It looks more like yes, yes, yes…" Ray quipped.

"I bought this horse to make money!" Archer protested.

"You bought a racehorse to bet on it?" Pam asked.

"Only suckers bet on the horses," Archer waved. "But if I **own** the horse and he wins me money…"

"You do know there's more than that to racing, right?" Cyril sighed. "I ask knowing that the answer is no."

"I know there's such things as bloodlines and breeding and stuff," Archer waved. "I figure a lot of money can come from putting him out to stud. Can you imagine it? Being paid to just have sex all day! What a life huh?"

"That's basically you and any other prostitute," Mallory quipped.

"Laugh all you want Mother," Archer remarked as he got off the horse. "But once those stud fees come rolling in I will be laughing all the way to a very expensive cordwainer in Rome!"

"Yeah, one little hiccup in your plan Super Stud," Ray rolled his eyes. "You do know your horse is a gelding, right?"

"What?" Archer did a double take. "Son of a…?"

"Trust you to notice **that,** " Mallory groaned. "While my son has the observation skills of a blind drunken hedgehog."

"What's that smell?" Lana noticed something. Then she noticed something else. "EWW!"

"Oh gross!" Cheryl held her nose.

"Sterling!" Mallory shouted. "That horse is crapping all over my office! Just like you crapped all over my dreams!"

"In hindsight I should not have given him that burrito to eat," Archer winced. "What? It was a vegetarian burrito!"

"This is why I can't get decent janitors and maids for this office," Mallory sighed.

"Well that and the whole killer elevator thing," Ray told her.

"Only the first time it was on purpose!" Mallory protested. "The other times were accidents before I had Krieger dismantle that feature!"

"I am **not** cleaning that up," Pam winced.

"This is coming out of your salary!" Mallory snapped at her son. "Get that horse out of here!"

"He'll be gone by the end of the day," Archer said as he led the horse. "I'll put him in this empty office."

"That's not an empty office!" Dan snapped. "That's **my office**!"

"So?" Archer asked. "Not like there isn't enough room!"

"You can't use my office as a horse stall!" Dan shouted.

"It's just for a day," Archer waved. "God stop being such a pill Don."

"IT'S DAN!" Dan shouted. "I've been working here for years and you **still** don't know my name?"

"Well I can't put him in Cyril's office!" Archer snapped. "I don't want the wishy washy to rub off on him. He's a champion and can't associate with losers! And I can't put him in Pam's…Because you know. She might eat him."

"I don't eat horses I personally know!" Pam snapped. "Most of the time."

"Lana's out because her big hands might scare him," Archer went on. "And Krieger…No! No way am I letting Krieger near my horse. I don't want him turning him into a robot!"

"Fair enough," Krieger shrugged.

"It's not just his office!" Norman snapped. "It's mine too!"

"Well I don't care…" Archer turned around. "I want to say Fred."

"Norman!" Norman shouted.

"When did we get the new guy?" Archer asked.

"I've worked here for years!" Norman snapped.

"Then how come you both share an office?" Archer asked.

"Because most people here do!" Norman shouted. "The ones that aren't part of your little clique have to share! Especially because Ms. Archer has **two offices!"**

"That glare gets really bad in April," Mallory shrugged.

"Even Gillette has his own office!" Dan snapped. "And you **hate him!"**

"That's because I don't want him running over anyone else's feet and making them crippled as well," Mallory sniffed. "What are you in competition for Biggest Drama Queen?"

"He wishes," Ray rolled his eyes.

"Sterling just put the damn horse in the office," Mallory waved. "As long as it's gone by the end of the day!"

"No, he can't!" Dan protested.

"Well he sure as hell ain't putting it in my office," Pam spoke up.

"Or mine!" Ray said. "Wheelchairs scare horses. It's a fact. Look it up."

"Put it in there," Cyril said quickly. Clearly not wanting the horse in his office.

"But…" Norman protested as Archer put the horse in. "OH MY GOD!"

"Wow," Archer wrinkled his nose. "Definitely should not have given that horse that vegetarian burrito."

"Now our office smells like horse shit!" Norman shouted.

"As opposed to usual?" Archer laughed as he left. The others started to disperse.

"Hang on," Cyril spoke up. "How much money did you pay for that horse?"

"That's right!" Mallory realized. "Sterling! Sterling!" Everyone else followed him.

"I swear to God!" Dan shouted. "One of these days I am going to just leave this nuthouse and take my money and open up a bar in the Florida Keys!"

"I always wanted to open up a restaurant," Norman said. "We should join forces. A restaurant and a bar would do rather well. And my brother is a great chef who's just looking for a place of his own."

"It's tempting I have to admit," Dan grumbled.

"Yeah just take off and go to Florida," Norman agreed. "Start our own business."

"NOT LIKE THESE ASSHOLES WOULD NOTICE!" Dan shouted.

FLASHFORWARD!

"Whatever happened to that horse?" Cheryl asked. "Please tell me Ms. Archer tuned it into glue!"

"I wish," Mallory grumbled. "Then that purchase would have had some use!"

"He lost the horse in a race," Lana explained.

"You mean he gambled and used the horse as collateral?" Cheryl asked.

"No," Lana shook her head. "I mean he **literally** lost the horse in a race."

"How is that _possible?"_ Cheryl asked.

FLASHBACK!

"Okay Gator!" Archer was in the gate waiting for the race to start. He was wearing a jockey's uniform and had goggles on his eyes. "You and I are gonna win us a fortune. I mean, if all these short guys can race it should be easy for the world's greatest spy to do it! Kentucky Derby here we come!"

BRRRRRINNNNGG!

"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Archer screamed as his horse ran right out of the gate.

"And they're off!" The announcer called. "It's Frank's Hot Dogs followed by Swimming With Celebrities, Rote Hexe, It's Always Raining In Boston, Hampers, I'm The Best, Worse Stuff, Rangers Are Forever, Critter Corners Rules and Strange Dad In."

"AAHHHHHHH!" Archer could barely hang onto the horse.

"Gator McKay is dead last," The announcer went on. "Boy I feel sorry whoever bet on that horse."

Meanwhile in a private box, Lana, Cyril, Pam and Ray dressed up in fine Derby clothes gave Mallory a look. "Shut up," Mallory grumbled.

"It's Frank's Hot Dogs followed by It's Always Raining In Boston," The announcer went on. "With Rangers Are Forever on the inside. Coming up on the outside is Rote Hexe and Strange Dad In. Now Rangers Are Forever is in the lead."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

"Gator McKay has thrown off his rider into the mud," The announcer spoke. "But Gator McKay is still running!"

"DAMN IT!" Archer shouted as he was covered in mud.

"And Gator McKay has just jumped a fence and is running away from the track," The announcer went on. "Well if that horse wasn't disqualified before he certainly is now."

"Get back here Gator! GATOR!" Archer shouted. "COME BACK GATOR!"

FLASHFORWARD!

"Oh, I get it now," Cheryl nodded.

"They never caught the horse," Lana shook her head.

"To Archer's credit," Ray spoke up. "It was a fast horse."

Lana added. "Too fast. Last anyone saw of it, he took a left off the turnpike and into some woods. The search went on for weeks but no one could track him down."

"He was owned by Archer," Ray quipped. "Can you blame him?"

"I can't blame Woodhouse for disappearing," Mallory groaned. "Honestly I'm surprised he lasted as long as he did. Continue Cyril."

"Number Two," Cyril went on. "Irony because that's what this idea was. In all senses of the phrase. The time he bought not one, but **two** …count them, **two time shares**!"

"I remember that too…" Ray groaned. "Who buys a time share in Myrtle Beach during the off season?"

"And he got confused and went during Spring Break," Lana nodded. "And he disappeared for two weeks."

"During this time, he was issued twelve citations for illegal parking," Pam remembered. "Seven citations for inciting a riot. Ten charges of assault and battery. Three for breaking and entering. Two for drunk driving. Which admittedly is low for him."

"That's because he drove his car into a swimming pool," Ray reminded her.

"Over a dozen citations for property damage and urinating in public," Pam went on. "Five charges of public nudity. One charge of theft of a lawnmower. The kind you ride on. Another charge for riding a lawnmower on the freeway. And a charge of indecent assault on a plastic flamingo."

"Forget the money," Mallory groaned. "That stunt cost me fourteen and a half favors just to get Sterling out of trouble and expunge his record!"

"Fourteen **and a half?"** Ray blinked. "How do you only use **half** a favor?"

"Let's just say the spirit was willing but even the Viagra was weak," Mallory groaned. "God I hate Myrtle Beach."

"And Number One is…" Cyril began.

"Hang on!" Pam spoke up. "Let me guess! Let me guess! Was it the cook who he kept screwing and getting pregnant?"

"Nope," Cyril shook his head.

Cheryl spoke up. "How about the time he thought he bought an elephant herd? And it turned out it was just a bunch of expensive porcelain statues. But he didn't know they were valuable until after he used them as bowling pins?"

"Close but not the incident I'm thinking of," Cyril told her. "Good guess though."

"What about the time he bought a crate full of turtlenecks?" Ray asked. "But not only were they too big for him, they were the wrong color. And he couldn't get a refund!"

"Not that one either," Cyril shook his head.

"What?" Mallory shouted.

"You think I throw a hissy fit over fashion," Ray looked at her. "Archer made me look straight!"

"He did," Cyril nodded.

"Oh yeah he was off the wall," Cheryl laughed.

"Throwing turtlenecks everywhere," Pam snickered. "Screaming like a little bitch."

"Where was I?" Mallory fumed.

"Oh who remembers?" Pam waved. "You were out of town for a week for some reason."

Lana spoke up. "Well then it's got to be the DeLorean. Which he crashed the first time he went for a drive."

"To be fair, Lana he did kind of have a concussion from opening the door," Pam remarked.

"Good guess but not that one either!" Cyril snickered. "That one does get an honorable mention."

"Sterling bought a _**DeLorean**_ **?** " Mallory shouted.

"That same week you went away," Lana told her.

"How did I not…?" Mallory then thought. "Hang on, was it the same week I went to that nudist resort in the Bahamas? I knew I didn't buy that much alcohol and sunscreen!"

"To be fair Archer bought a lot of alcohol that week too," Ray snickered.

"Best Wednesday Wing Ding ever!" Pam agreed.

"What the hell is a Wednesday Wing Ding?" Mallory snapped.

"It was a party Archer threw all day," Pam said. "Spent it on chicken wings and booze. Then he hired a few strippers to dance for us as well as a DJ."

"I liked that," Ray admitted. "And Go Kart Thursday."

"Me too," Krieger nodded. "Then we got Friday off. That was a really fun week."

"I'm guessing that doesn't count in the waste department with you idiots," Mallory grumbled as she took a drink.

"It's not a waste if we have fun," Pam said.

"Technically the Corvette was fun," Ray said. "Every time his stupid car broke down and we laughed at him."

"Do I know about the number one answer, Richard Dumb-son?" Mallory asked. "Or is it something **I don't** know about?"

"Oh, you know **this one,"** Cyril nodded.

"Oh goody," Mallory said sarcastically. "Then I get to guess from the huge multitude of Sterling's extravagances. But since I have limited time on this planet that could be spent doing literally anything else I'll let you tell me."

"And Number One on the Waste of Money Meter…" Cyril said dramatically. "Drumroll please!"

Pam, Ray and Cheryl started drumming their hands on nearby tables. "Brrrrrr!" Pam made a noise.

"The Number One bad purchase made by Sterling Archer…" Cyril paused. "The star system!"

"OH MY GOD!" Lana laughed.

"I remember **that!"** Ray snickered. "That was bad!"

"Even for Archer that was bad!" Pam laughed. "And extremely stupid."

"A star system?" Krieger asked. "Oh right! The star system!"

"Oh God…" Mallory remembered. "I should have known."

"You mean the time when he…?" Cheryl giggled.

"Oh yeah…" Pam nodded. "He thought he actually bought an entire star system. Well he thought he bought one."

FLASHBACK TO THE SPY AGENCY OF THE PAST!

"What?" Lana looked at Archer in the bullpen. Lana was clearly pregnant at the time.

"You heard me," Archer grinned as he held a paper in his hands. "I own a star system. Technically a constellation but close enough. I'm a constellation Lana!"

"Is that slang for a new kind of venereal disease?" Mallory sighed as she walked over with Pam, Cheryl, Krieger, Cyril and Ray. Well Ray was in a wheelchair again so he just rolled over.

"No Mother," Archer said. "I bought an actual constellation! I'm immortalized forever among the stars!"

"I thought the incident with Rona Thorne did that," Pam quipped.

"I think technically that was more of an incident of infamy," Cyril told her.

"Oh right," Pam realized. "Plus, he didn't bang her so…Yeah I get it."

"It would be if he actually had sex with a major movie star and she shot him," Cheryl added.

"Possibly," Cyril shrugged. "But what are the odds of that happening? And even as I said it, I realize it's fifty-fifty."

"No, you idiots," Archer groaned. "I own an **actual star system**. There's an entire constellation named after me!"

"You mean as a star system as in _outer space_?" Mallory asked. "How is that **possible?"**

"Did you bang the entire team of NASA or something?" Lana scoffed.

"Sexy!" Pam grinned.

"No, idiots!" Archer groaned as he showed them the paper. "I bought it online."

"That's actually **a thing?"** Mallory was stunned.

"According to the experts at the Super Exclusive Interdimensional Star Registry," Archer grinned. "Read 'em and weep!"

" **This** is what you bought?" Krieger looked at the document.

"Let me see!" Ray protested as he wheeled up. "There's no way Archer actually bought a star system!"

"But I did," Archer grinned. "See? It even looks like me! And I'm wearing an awesome belt!"

" **This** is the star system you bought?" Krieger did a double take. " **This one**? Right here? This is the one **you bought**?"

"Yes Krieger! It's my constellation!" Archer snapped.

"It's the constellation of Orion," Krieger gave him a look.

"Well not anymore," Archer snorted. "It's the Archer System now!"

"Oh for the love of Christ," Mallory groaned.

"I **knew** it!" Ray groaned.

"Oh dear God…" Lana realized what had happened. "I don't believe this."

"I know," Archer clearly didn't get it. "Just when I thought I couldn't be more awesome!"

"That's **not** the word that comes to my mind!" Lana snapped.

"Can I see that certificate for a minute?" Cyril sighed.

"Why?" Archer asked.

"Just want to check the fine print," Cyril waved. "Just for giggles."

"You have a weird sense of fun," Archer showed him the document. "But here it is."

"I don't believe this," Lana groaned.

"You don't believe I'm a star system now?" Archer asked smugly.

"No," Cyril said as he looked at the document. "She can't believe what a colossal **moron** you are to fall for such an obvious scam."

"What do you mean by scam?" Archer snapped.

"This document is fake," Cyril explained. "You were scammed. Conned. Bamboozled. Hoodwinked. Swindled. Cheated. Tricked. Deceived. You and your money were parted. The very expensive wool was pulled over your bloodshot eyes."

"Fake?" Archer was stunned. "How could it be fake?"

"Well for starters," Cyril sighed. "One of the first things that jumped out at me, was that this institute was in Washington DC. Last I checked Washington wasn't spelled with a U."

"WHAT?" Archer yelled.

"Also," Cyril went on calmly. "I'm pretty sure there's no such thing as a Super Exclusive Interdimensional Star Registry."

"There isn't," Krieger told him. "People are still running that con huh?"

"Apparently so," Cyril said.

"Con?" Archer snapped.

"It's one of the biggest scams in the scientific community!" Krieger snapped. "You ever hear of those stories of people buying the Brooklyn Bridge? You just bought the biggest Brooklyn-ist Bridge there is!"

"And you got the Statue of Liberty and the Empire State Building thrown in," Lana snapped.

"Oh dear God…" Mallory groaned.

"But people buy stars all the time!" Archer snapped.

"They buy the opportunity to put their names on a star," Krieger corrected. "A smaller lesser known star. That usually is only identified with a serial number. And even that is worth less than the paper it's printed on."

"Or in this case," Cyril looked at the paper. "Crayoned on."

"Only the International Astronomical Union is authorized to put a name on a star," Krieger said. "Everybody knows that."

"And they certainly wouldn't change the name of Betelgeuse to Sterling Archer Clue-Less!" Pam agreed.

"What does the movie starring Michael Keaton and Winona Ryder have to do with this?" Archer blinked.

"Not Beetlejuice the movie!" Krieger snapped.

"The short-lived cartoon then!" Archer snapped.

"You don't own the constellation of Orion!" Lana shouted.

"It's the constellation of Sterling Archer!" Archer shouted.

"No, it's not!" Cyril snapped.

"Well for the hundred and seventy-five grand I paid for it, it better be!" Archer snapped.

"YOU SPENT A HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIVE GRAND ON THIS WORTHLESS…?" Mallory shouted. "Sterling Mallory Archer where did you get the money for this?"

"Uh…" Archer paused. "Around…"

Cheryl took a lick off the paper. "Oh yeah," Cheryl nodded. "That's definitely crayon."

"If you used agency funds for this…" Mallory bristled. "Boondoggle!"

"Technically it's not a boondoggle," Cyril corrected. "It's an outright scam."

" **Thank you** , Cyril," Archer glared at him.

"You spend a hundred and seventy-five grand to buy **Orion?** " Mallory shouted.

"A constellation so famous," Ray added. "Even second graders know about it."

"Even **I** know about it!" Cheryl snapped. "It's actually my favorite constellation. Well I did have a thing for Monoceros for a while. But what little girl didn't? Am I right?"

"Where. Did. You. Get. The. Money?" Mallory growled, deliberately pausing her words so she sounded extra menacing.

"Think carefully Archer," Cyril smirked with glee. "I know you're not used to doing that but try."

"Come on Mother," Archer said nervously. "The office's retirement fund was just lying around so…"

"GET HIM!" Pam screamed.

"Uh oh," Archer blinked. Then ran off with his mother and co-workers chasing after him.

"Hold him down y'all!" Ray shouted as he followed. "So I can run over his legs with my wheelchair!"

FLASHFORWARD!

"You should have let me do that," Ray looked at Mallory.

"In hindsight…" Mallory sighed. "I should have."

"A hundred and seventy-five grand gone," Cyril groaned. "All for a piece of paper not even worth to wipe your ass on!"

"And we never did find out where that money went," Lana groaned.

"Were we supposed to?" Pam blinked. Mallory just groaned in frustration.

Meanwhile in the Florida Keys at the Orion's Getaway Bar and Grille. A secretive little-known place on an island where only the richest playboys and playgirls came. Two people were getting ready for the evening's shift.

It is noted at the bar there is a huge picture of Archer and Mallory. Along with the words: _Do not serve these people! EVER!_

"You think those assholes have figured out we swindled a hundred and seventy-five grand from Archer using a fake star naming website yet?" Norman asked. "So that we could move and fund our restaurant?"

"I don't think those assholes even know who **we are** ," Dan snorted. "Much less if we left."

"They were so into themselves, weren't they?" Norman asked.

"Like there was nobody else on the planet besides them," Dan nodded. "I swear this happened. I was in an elevator once with Archer and he was talking to himself the whole time. No phone or nothing. Just talking to himself. Didn't even notice I was in there. Swear to God."

"That's nothing," Norman snorted. "Once I was in an elevator with him and he was humping some hooker. Didn't even see me."

"I don't think that man could ever see past his own penis," Dan grumbled. "I am so glad we left when we did."

"And I am glad I secretly copied the names and addresses of all those rich contacts," Norman smirked. "Ms. Archer's little black book made a great introduction to our clientele."

"Who knew so many rich people hated the Archers?" Dan snickered. "Our restaurant is practically a secret I Hate The Archers club."

"That turned out to be a great hook," Norman nodded.

Dan agreed. "I will give them this. They're great for our business."

"Where do you think I got that crate of Glengoolie Blue Crystal from?" Norman asked. "You remember Archer went through those things at least once a month?"

"I remember," Dan snickered.

"It was so easy to switch it out with that bad French Kool Aid drink it wasn't funny," Norman added. "And even funnier to watch Archer and the other assholes drink it. Still weird they didn't notice us not drinking any. Then again they never noticed anything…"

"We haven't even gone through half our stolen stash," Dan nodded. "And it's been years since we stole it."

"Well we do sell it for three hundred dollars a shot," Norman snickered. "To our well-paying clients of course."

"I know," Dan said. "We made a fortune on that alone."

"Made a fortune on what?" Patty came out with a tray of some cake slices.

"The Glengoolie Blue Crystal," Norman said to his wife. "We were just reminiscing."

"Well have some cake with your reminiscing," Patty put down the tray. "This is the new cake for the dessert menu. White chocolate with orange liquor frosting."

The guys tried it. "Delicious," Norman grinned. "Patty next to marrying you the best thing we ever did was leave those assholes."

"I wonder every now and then how they're doing," Dan admitted. "Call it morbid curiosity."

"Didn't you hear?" Patty asked. "The agency got shut down a week right after we left. Turns out it was illegal. Everybody got arrested for treason and lost their jobs. Even after the charges were dropped it shut down. Then it was reopened for a bit. Then shut down again permanently for gross incompetence."

"That explains a lot," Dan blinked.

"So the smartest thing we ever did was leave when we did?" Norman asked.

"No, the smartest thing we did was lure that baker away from that erotic bakery," Dan nodded as he had some cake. "Damn that's good cake!"


End file.
